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New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

Man Wearing Red Glasses, Pink Pants Probably Dutch Or Something

CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman.

Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck.

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion: Nov. 30, 2008: 

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the best he's seen in his 30 years on the force.

For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies.

Top Names For Skrillex's Haircut

Following a speech in Washington, former president George W. Bush offered an impromptu endorsement of candidate Mitt Romney to reporters.

PIKEVILLE, TN—According to Hormel-plant breakroom sources, if the Puerto Ricans and the Mexicans and the Orientals and the blacks don't stop having all those babies, whites will be a minority in their own goddamn country as early as 2010. 

BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that's out to make [him] look like a fool." ...

German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

Spurs, Celtics Begin Stiff-Legged Lurch to the Finals

Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, OR

ABERDEEN, WA—Feeling spontaneous, Jenny Pierce, 32, took the 53 bus to the end of the line and got to see where the bus driver lives.

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Getting Grandma Into Family Reunion T-Shirt A 3-Person Job

In this Star Fix Quick Hit, Angelique Clark looks at the media's ongoing efforts to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge into a Charlie Sheen-style breakdown.